My problem with relationships.

I have never been able to figure this out about myself. I always do this with girls I like. When things start going bad and the relationship is close to ending, I begin to freak out. Things will be going great, the relationship looks like its on the up and up, like it is just going to really start taking off. Then, the next thing you know, a few things go bad, we have a few arguments and then I go for the kill, if you will.

What I try to do is make the other person completely hate me, make them distance themselves from me. I get in an argument just to get in an argument and I have to prove a few points and make the person see that this whole thing is stupid and that we are both stupid for being in it and that we are both stupid.

I guess what I try to do is not get myself hurt, and not hurt the other person, but that never works. Instead, I just make things worse and I end up making not only the person but myself upset about the whole thing, when it was neither of our faults in the beginning.

For example, my junior year. I started dating this really great girl. Things went well, but, the bad thing was that she was not a member of the Church and didn’t care to be one either. My parents have a simple rule when it comes to dating, three and out, or in other words, if your not a member, you have three dates and then you either come to church or you break up with them. Well, six months and three dates later I find myself in the situation that I never thought would happen and never wanted to happen, I have to break up with my girlfriend or convince her to come to church.

A simple situation that is neither of our faults, but I make it both our faults. I get in a fight with her and say it is over, we are done. That is not the bad part, I ignore her for the next three weeks. Then, slowly and surely try to start talking to her again. I had already pissed her off and now I barely could get her to talk to me, yet alone hang out and have some fun.

Then, last summer, the summer of 2006. Instead of just letting my girlfriend go I do everything I can to piss her off and make her mad at me. I mean, heck, we could have been good friends and been able to help each other through a lot of things, but instead, I want her to hate me so I can hate her. So I can just move on with my life and not look back at it and wish I could still be with her.

Then, lately, this girl I like. I like her, and she likes me. We just can’t date right now, its not my fault and its not her fault. Its just the way things are. Instead of being a nice, kind, understanding guy, I have to be a jerk. I sit here and do things to upset her and tell her things that will make her mad and hate me. I mean heck, when we can start dating each other, she still like me, but instead, I just want to make her mad and hate me just because we can’t be together now. Because things aren’t working out for us now.

On top of all that, I act totally bi-polar. First I get mad at them about the whole thing and try to make them mad at me, then I try to make things better, I try to being really nice to them, and then I go back to trying to make them mad at me and pissing them off.

I don’t know, it is weird and stupid of me but it is what I do and hopefully, just hopefully, I can get this whole thing fixed before I get home from the mission and really start to focus on dating and marriage. If not, I am going to have a very tough time with the whole thing and be known as a jerk to a lot of girls.

God speed.