"The Rock"

Well, I never thought that I would do this, but when you can’t sleep and you feel like you could say more to a friend then you just did on the phone, you do things that you would never do. I never thought that I would get off the phone with someone, then go to my computer and write an entire blog about that person. I guess I should tell the story before I get off on some random tangent.

This person isn’t a rock, she doesn’t look like one, doesn’t act like one, and doesn’t have a heart of a rock either. She actually is the exact opposite. She is a tiny little girl... she is so small that when I would give her hugs, I would feel like I would break her if I squeezed to hard. This girl is brilliant, she has a wonderful mind and can learn and explain things so wonderfully. And, her heart is as big as the world. She is a kind, loving, and gentle person. She reaches out to others and pulls them to higher ground, no matter who they are. However, this girl is a rock in the sense that she stands for what she believes in, she is a rock in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and a person that one can always turn to for guidance, much like a lighthouse. She has a testimony as solid as a rock.

I meet her about a year ago and tonight I came up with her nickname, “the rock”, simply because she is as strong as one in the things that matter most in life.

The rock was a friend of a guy on my floor. She was often the center of conversation because many of the guys on our floor hung out with her because she was always nice to us and friends with one of our friends. While many guys knew her within a few weeks after school started, I wouldn’t get to meet her in person until January, a few months after school started. I met her in my Book of Mormon class where Stanley Johnson was our teacher... It was surprising, a bunch of guys on my floor signed up for that class with her, I believe. I had heard about the teacher from some other friends at work, and about six of us ended up in the same class. Little did I know that the cute girl sitting next to me would change my life forever.

Well, just meeting the rock for the first time was pretty cool, we talked as we walked to the devotional and then things just went from there. I found out that she was also in my American Heritage lecture. So, we saw each other a lot that semester. We spent most of our time studying for Book of Mormon, but we also had some time to talk and get to know each other. About March time we thought about getting serious, but seeing that I had a girlfriend and the semester was coming to a close we saw it best not to proceed. We never actually discussed that issue, but we both knew why we couldn’t become more then friends. I won’t lie, now looking back at the whole thing, I wish I would have dated her but that’s okay.

The rock became one of my closes friends, and we talked about some of my personal struggles. She always had the perfect advice and knew exactly what to say. She always made me want to be a better person, and wanted to lift me to a higher level. Like I said before, she reaches out and pulls people up.

The rock struggled with some things herself, mainly, physical things that she had no control over. Rather then blaming people for it, she thanked the Lord for her trials, saying that it had brought her closer to her Heavenly Father. What great faith she has. She never complained, or told anyone how bad things really hurt her, but would rather turn the conversation and ask, how are you doing? What kind of person asks that question? A few names that come to mind, the Savior, the prophet, and my dad, all people who I have a great love and respect for.

At the end of the semester, the rock moved home and I stayed in Provo to work, so we weren’t able to talk as often, but we still stayed in touch and every time I called her, the first things out of her mouth were “Hi, how are you?” The rock is not selfish, she is very kind and loving and concerned about others.

Over the past months the rock has helped me overcome my personal struggles, which has allowed me to serve a mission, something that will change my life forever. That cute little girl has changed my life forever and I will be forever grateful for what she has done for me.

While the rock and I may grow distant over the next few years, I will always remember her and what she has done for me. If we never do get to celebrate this great success together, remember this rock...

“And if it so be that you labor all your days crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father.” - D&C 18:15

You saved my soul, so you have already had great success in this life, your only getting started. Remember the Lord loves you and you are one of his choice daughters. Keep your head up, for this trial will be just a small moment(D&C 121:7-10). Your awesome! I can’t say enough about you. Thank you for all that you do and all that you continue to do.

God speed.

Valentine's Day

Well, here it is, a wonderful Valentine’s Day, full of snow, roses, chocolate, and love. For the past three years I have had a Valentines, if you will. I mean, I have had a girlfriend, or some one of that nature, but this year, nothing. Its not by choice, I like girls, but, this year has just been a little up and down. Too many what if’s but nothing that could really happen. I guess I should explain the whole thing, or as much as I can.

This girl that I like, I meet her my Junior year in seminary. I thought she was nice but she was a freshmen, I was a Junior and so things weren’t going to workout, so I moved on, like I do with most relationships. Its what I do, if I see that a relationship has little to no hope, I ditch, leave it, let it die, no, I help it die. So, I killed this relationship before it even got started. I dated another girl for my Junior year. Next year comes around, I’m a Senior and she’s a Sophomore. The age thing really killed me. I don’t know why, but it did.

So, Senior moves a long and comes to an end, I go to college, and come back home and here she still is. Now its to the point where age doesn’t matter, its just that the timing is all messed up and thus has lead to the reason why I have liked this girl for what, four years now and have yet to take her on a single date. Not even go to the movies with a group of friends.

But, as I sit here on Valentine’s Day, my thoughts are turned to her, just like they are every other night of the week. I figured I would write all these thoughts down so I can remember before I get old and forget, and heck what else could I be doing? Talking to some girl that is ten to twenty hours away that I will never see again in my life yet alone date her… Yeah, last time I checked, my dating life is in limbo right now, with the only hope that this whole situation can uncomplicated itself and I can finally take this girl on a date.

Well, here goes the list of memories, if you will:

Facebook, chocolate milk, Napoleon Dynamite, liger, seminary, crutches, knee brace, torn ACL, soccer, swimming, basketball, shaving my legs, milkshakes, cookies, early morning seminary at my house, the stars, night drives, snow, the snowman she made me, texting, my cellphone, texting song lyrics, Teddy Geiger, Hellogoodbyes, The All American Rejects, Brand New, Taking Back Sunday, Dashboard Confessionals, Phantom of the Opera, someone who hates vegetables, pizza, Dion’s pizza, watching movies, the movie theater, driving to the movie theaters, Diamond Shamrock, Wendy’s, my scriptures, Memory by Sugarcult, Dirty Little Secret, Air Dry, darling, college swim team, sledding, scripture mastery pro, Spanish teacher, hooded sweatshirt with a coat over it, Relient K, great sister, love of the gospel, prom my senior year, my best friend Jordan, milk, The Rasband Dairy, chalkboard, journal, am I fat?

I think that is a pretty good list for starters… Now, I know that there are some girls that have shared some of these things with me but, only one person has related to me in all the above ways. So, if you know who you are, let me know.

Such Great Heights

THE POSTAL SERVICE LYRICS
"Such Great Heights"

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, butIts thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly.
You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

So, UPS has been running these commercials lately with the song above. Whenever I hear this song, it reminds me of my freshmen year in college.

I received a cd with this song on it about October. I listened to it a few times through and this song became my instant favorite. I am not quite sure why or just how it hit me, but it did. This song just seemed to speak to me. It just seemed to calm me down and help me to relax. I never really listened to the lyrics, I just got the understanding that the song was about a couple that is separated.

Every time I hear this song I go back to walking out of my room, R Hall 412, turning my cd player on, placing my head phones on over my head, taking the elevator down to the first floor, taking an immediate left to go to the doors, then another left to walk through the Morris Center. Then, out the Morris Center, down three steps, across the street, through Heritage Halls, pass the stream and Bell Tower, and then to the stop light.

Every time I walked through the Morris Center, something always seemed to be happening, early morning they were still cleaning and would be finishing vacuuming, and then there would be kids going for breakfast, or it would be late at night and people would be watching tv, usually basketball, or going into the Cougar Cove to buy something, or people would be playing games for family home evening or just playing to play. It always smelled so good, I don’t know what it was, but it always felt right when I walked in the Morris Center. It had truly became my home away from home. I know a lot of people would call me crazy but I loved Desert Towers, I loved living there, and I loved the people I meet and the things I did.

I really liked my job, as I would tell people, I cleaned peoples crap for a living. I was a janitor/custodian/facility services in the Wilkinson Student Center. I worked in the afternoons with some of the greatest and funniest people. Tamsen, Jim, Nate, Misty, Clayton, Amber, I could go on and on but I will start there. We cleaned offices and bathrooms, as well as set up rooms for events, like dinners and what not. It was great, just a lot of fun.

I know people would tell you that the Morris Center Cafeteria food was disgusting, but it wasn’t. It was good food. It is nothing like what I had at home, but it was food and I liked it. Breakfast was the best. I would always try to make breakfast because I could have eggs, bacon, sausage, fruit, cereal, biscuits and gravy, milk and juice. I loved getting my grapefruit with cantaloupe or oranges. It was in about March when I finally taught myself how to use the waffle maker, whish isn’t hard, but then I would always have a waffle every time I went to eat something.

I don’t know, I could go on and on about it, but man I loved my freshmen year and I wouldn’t change it for the world, except a relationship that I had that I wish I would have ended. But man did I love college. Being home I miss it so much and I wish I could go back.

God speed.

My problem with relationships.

I have never been able to figure this out about myself. I always do this with girls I like. When things start going bad and the relationship is close to ending, I begin to freak out. Things will be going great, the relationship looks like its on the up and up, like it is just going to really start taking off. Then, the next thing you know, a few things go bad, we have a few arguments and then I go for the kill, if you will.

What I try to do is make the other person completely hate me, make them distance themselves from me. I get in an argument just to get in an argument and I have to prove a few points and make the person see that this whole thing is stupid and that we are both stupid for being in it and that we are both stupid.

I guess what I try to do is not get myself hurt, and not hurt the other person, but that never works. Instead, I just make things worse and I end up making not only the person but myself upset about the whole thing, when it was neither of our faults in the beginning.

For example, my junior year. I started dating this really great girl. Things went well, but, the bad thing was that she was not a member of the Church and didn’t care to be one either. My parents have a simple rule when it comes to dating, three and out, or in other words, if your not a member, you have three dates and then you either come to church or you break up with them. Well, six months and three dates later I find myself in the situation that I never thought would happen and never wanted to happen, I have to break up with my girlfriend or convince her to come to church.

A simple situation that is neither of our faults, but I make it both our faults. I get in a fight with her and say it is over, we are done. That is not the bad part, I ignore her for the next three weeks. Then, slowly and surely try to start talking to her again. I had already pissed her off and now I barely could get her to talk to me, yet alone hang out and have some fun.

Then, last summer, the summer of 2006. Instead of just letting my girlfriend go I do everything I can to piss her off and make her mad at me. I mean, heck, we could have been good friends and been able to help each other through a lot of things, but instead, I want her to hate me so I can hate her. So I can just move on with my life and not look back at it and wish I could still be with her.

Then, lately, this girl I like. I like her, and she likes me. We just can’t date right now, its not my fault and its not her fault. Its just the way things are. Instead of being a nice, kind, understanding guy, I have to be a jerk. I sit here and do things to upset her and tell her things that will make her mad and hate me. I mean heck, when we can start dating each other, she still like me, but instead, I just want to make her mad and hate me just because we can’t be together now. Because things aren’t working out for us now.

On top of all that, I act totally bi-polar. First I get mad at them about the whole thing and try to make them mad at me, then I try to make things better, I try to being really nice to them, and then I go back to trying to make them mad at me and pissing them off.

I don’t know, it is weird and stupid of me but it is what I do and hopefully, just hopefully, I can get this whole thing fixed before I get home from the mission and really start to focus on dating and marriage. If not, I am going to have a very tough time with the whole thing and be known as a jerk to a lot of girls.

God speed.